6

it’s like a spiral inside of me.

never ending.

full of anger and love.

all for

you.

Advertisements

5

no one loves you and is more loyal to you than yourself.

yet why do we prefer others to ourselves?

4

i call it my depression.

that ball in my chest.

right at the centre, the centre of my being.

it ba-bumps as my heart and my body ba-bump.

except it’s more like a tumour

taking away my blood and vitamins and water

draining me of life

until the point where i wish it simply would

and yet

the ball ba-bumps and so do i.

until further notice.

3

it’s like a connection shortage,

the tap has been turned off,

no longer connected to wifi,

ran out of petrol.

maybe i need to pay a bill,

to come back to normality,

to turn back on.

but i don’t know because

the connection shortage,

the turned off tap,

the missing wifi,

the empty tank,

they all gave me the answers

and the explanations

so i can’t figure out

how to fix it because

i can’t figure out basic math.

divide 180 by 7,

why can’t i have a conversation?

and after days of thinking

the same thought because

there’s nothing in me because of

the connection shortage,

the turned off tap,

the missing wifi,

the empty tank,

after days of languishing

over the same thing

i wonder

if i paid my subscription

to my mental health.

my monthly fee can be

anything but

depending on the month,

the cost is higher.

last month cost

a couple of breakdowns

but i quickly got up

and running.

before that it was

to tell myself that

no one wanted to talk to me,

no one wanted me.

this month,

they asked me

to hurt myself.

except

the last time i gave in,

they kept asking

for more and more

until

they tried to take me

and tell me that

death was the only way,

suicide was the only way out of

the connection shortage,

the turned off tap,

the missing wifi,

the empty tank

and i almost believed them

because you see,

the connection shortage,

the turned off tap,

the missing wifi,

the empty tank,

they are all so vital,

my mental stability is so vital

and i have to pay,

i don’t want to but i have to

because my mum has anxiety

and my sister is angry

and my dad feels alone

and my friends are stressed

and when i pay for mental health,

i pay for theirs too

and they need it.

so then i think

maybe i can just pay for theirs

and they won’t want as much because it’s me they want to break not them

but that isn’t the way

my depression negociates with me.

she says to me,

without them,

you are nothing.

they define you as clearly

as a sticky label.

they make you who you are;

they make you happy

and sad

and brave

and full.

and i have to remember that

she is right.

i am nothing.

then i pay my subscription,

i overpay

and i don’t have to again,

for a while.

and the cycle repeats

because i swallow the tablets again even though it isn’t what i really want.

what i really want is

a strong connection,

a flowing tap,

unlimited wifi,

a full tank.

what i really want is

to be mentally stable.

but my subscription comes out

every time

no matter how many times

i tell the bank

i don’t want my subscription,

i don’t want my mental illness,

i didn’t buy this.

2

the dark sky above mirrored me, and I, it. full of nothing but emptiness. no hope or possibilities or love. never ending darkness.

it was the first time i felt like something understood me.